


Gods and Otherwise

by sabinelagrande



Series: Aid [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Clerics, Crisis of Faith, Gen, Having Faith, Platonic Cuddling, Post-Episode: c02e30 The Journey Home
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-06-27 22:41:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15694812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sabinelagrande/pseuds/sabinelagrande
Summary: It's a test of faith.





	Gods and Otherwise

It wasn't the first night in Zadash, the night they all got kicked out of a bathhouse; it wasn't the second either, but the third. The thrill of lots of money had worn off somewhat, especially since Jester had spent most of hers on diamonds for revivify spells, a sobering kind of purchase. But on that third night, Jester, having not even tried since Shady Creek, finally picked up her sketchbook again.

She sat in front of it, alone in the room she and Beau had rented at the Leaky Tap, and she thought and she thought. She thought for thirty minutes, an hour, and she found she still had nothing to say.

That wasn't quite right. She had plenty to say, like it was all just going to burst out of her, but every time she thought about it, it came to one question. She'd already asked it and received no answer.

She stuffed the sketchbook back in the haversack and left it next to Beau's pack. She stepped out of the room, taking her key and locking the door behind her. The tavern below was busy, and she could see Beau and Fjord talking. She didn't actually want to talk to either of them, not that she'd say that if they called her down. She had someone else in mind.

She and Caduceus had bonded on the way back to Zadash, but he was still new. She was jealous of him, just a little. He had cool lichen powers and his hair was super cute and things just seemed easier for him, like he was coasting and she was climbing uphill. Maybe that wasn't fair, but it sure seemed like he had something she didn't.

Any jealousy she felt had to be put aside, because he was also the only one who would understand. Fjord had a patron, but that wasn't a god, technically; Caleb got his magic from a book, and Nott learned hers mostly from him. She and the Traveler and her magic were inextricable, and only Caduceus knew what that was like.

She knocked on the door of the room Fjord and Caduceus shared. "Put on some clothes, I'm opening the door," she said through it, then flung the door open.

Caduceus looked at her, his shirt in his hands. "I do have some clothes on," he pointed out, gesturing at his still-clothed lower half.

"Make yourself comfortable," she said, shutting the door, and he set the shirt aside rather than putting it back on.

"Did you need something in particular?" he asked. "Fjord's not here."

"I came to talk to you about, you know, gods and stuff," she said. "Because, like, you're a cleric, and I'm a cleric, and you have a god, and I have a god."

"I do have a god," he said, smiling in his slow way. "Goddess, actually, if we're being specific."

She tried to find words, any words, to ask any of the questions she had, but she came up short. Instead she just stood there, as he waited for her to speak, as patient as ever.

"Do you wanna cuddle?" Caduceus asked. He shrugged at Jester's look of confusion. "This just seems like a conversation that cuddling would make easier."

"What comes after the cuddling?" she asked warily. 

He looked at her like he didn't understand the question. "I guess you go back to your room, though you can sleep here if you want."

"Aren't you afraid of Fjord?" she asked primly, because it was still funny.

"You're the one who might poke me in the eye," he pointed out.

"What if he gets terribly jealous?" Jester pressed.

"I've got two arms, but he has to bring his own blanket," Caduceus said. 

He sat down on the bed, waiting for her reaction but not pressing the issue, and Jester considered it. He was scrawny even at seven feet tall, but he looked like it would be warm up close to him, with all that soft-looking fur. She supposed she should be worried about him trying some funny business, but she knew, for reasons she couldn't articulate, that she had nothing to fear from him.

Jester slipped out of her shoes, setting them aside, and Caduceus took it as his cue, turning the covers back so he could slip into the bed. Arranged to his liking, he held the blankets up, making space to invite Jester in. After another moment of consideration, she got in, lying down next to him and letting him drape the covers over her.

He pushed gently on her shoulder, turning her away from him, and Jester went. He put an arm around her waist, pulling her to him. She let herself press back against him, bending her knees so he could slot in behind her. At his size, he engulfed her fully, his chin resting on the top of her head, her feet resting against his calves. It was nice, though. He was indeed warm, his fur rubbing pleasantly against her where her skin was exposed. 

"Are you always freezing?" Caduceus asked, settling in with her.

"Are you always hot?" she returned. 

"It just wasn't what I expected," he said. "It's not bad or anything. Feels kinda nice."

They lapsed into silence, and Jester closed her eyes for a moment. As much as chill didn't bother her, the heat was very nice. Up this close, Caduceus smelled of flowers. It wasn't the smell of flowery perfume, the concentrated essence of the scent; it was the watery, fresh smell of a flower when you had your nose right in it, clean and crisp. She twined her fingers into his, wiggling against him a bit as she settled in.

She almost forgot about talking entirely, because this was too enjoyable. She hadn't known she wanted it, but it was so satisfying. Caduceus was very cuddly, and it was fulfilling something else, a need for comfort. She could happily stay like this for a long time, just feeling him against her, the rhythm of his breathing. 

She squeezed her eyes together tight before opening them again. If she was going to get what she came for, it couldn't be just this, burying it in blankets and letting it rest. She wouldn't know anything more than what she came in with, which wasn't enough. 

Jester turned around in his arms; she hated to disrupt the spooning, but she wanted to see his face. "Who is your god?" she asked.

"The Wildmother," Caduceus said.

"Have you seen her?" she asked.

"Now and again, in my dreams," he replied.

"Never in real life?" she said. She knew most gods weren't like the Traveler, not the approved ones, anyway, not that the Wildmother was on that list.

"She lives beyond the Divine Gate," he said, with a note of sadness. "But when I become one with the earth again, I'll join her in her forest."

"Is she very beautiful?" she asked.

"Radiant," he said with a sigh. "She's a perfect green color, like the underside of a holly leaf, and her skin is soft and flawless. She moves like a willow tree, and she's surrounded by leaves and vines, all over her like-"

"A wreath?" she prompted, when he didn't continue.

"More like a bower, maybe," Caduceus said. "And everywhere she walks, flowers blossom in her footprints."

"She sounds really nice," Jester said, and she felt jealous again; he worshipped a beautiful, untouchable, wholly godlike being, and she followed some guy in a cloak around. Instantly she felt horrible for thinking of the Traveler that way, and she offered a silent plea for forgiveness. 

"Maybe I'll introduce you someday," he said. "What's your god like?"

"His name is the Traveler, and he's-" Her voice broke, and Caduceus pulled her closer. She fisted a hand in the fur on his chest, willing herself to keep going. "He's really great," she said, though she didn't feel it. "He isn't a dream. I used to see him all the time."

"Is he the happy kind of god, or the high and mighty kind?" he asked.

"He's the tricky kind," she said. "He taught me all my magic, and he taught me about duplicity, and he-" She swallowed. "He kept me company when no one else would."

"Sounds like an alright guy," he said.

"I don't know anymore," she said, though it felt like treason. "I thought he was."

"Until he didn't come to spring you from the Iron Shepherds," he said gently. 

"He's supposed to be with me," she said petulantly. "He's supposed to keep me safe."

"You are safe," he said. "Maybe he sent your friends on his behalf."

"It's not the same," she said, unwilling to give. "He can go anywhere. Why didn't he come to me?"

"Gods don't work on mortal schedules," he said, and it felt like a lesson, the way he kept pushing back. Jester wondered then if she'd made a mistake, if she should just get out of this bed and go drown her sorrows in a glass of milk. "If you got saved in the end, didn't he make the right call?"

Jester felt tears start to fall, and she pressed her forehead against his chest. "But he's my best friend," she said, feeling so pathetic but unable to stop herself.

"Ah," he said, stroking her hair. "That makes it different."

She looked up at him. "It does?"

Caduceus took her hand, hooking his pinky around hers. "Friends are friends because they link themselves together." He tugged lightly, pulling her hand towards himself. "When one pulls, the other one comes along. When you were taken, all your friends came to save you-" He let go of her finger suddenly, and she felt bereft, abandoned, even though it was just one finger. "Except one."

"How could he just not come when I needed him the most ever?" she asked, and now the tears were flowing freely.

"If I had a good answer, I'd give it to you," he said. "I know a lot about following gods. I don't know much at all about having friends."

"We're friends," she said, sniffling. "You came to rescue me." 

"I came to rescue you before we were friends," he said. "But I'm happy to be your friend now."

"The Traveler's not," she said. It was only a fraction of how she felt, but now that the tap was open, she couldn't close it. She wanted to say every cruel thing that roiled inside her, and if she hadn't felt so tired, she would have.

"Maybe right now you can have faith in your god while you're still upset with your friend," Caduceus said. "He didn't lose any of his power, and he didn't take that power away from you. As his follower, you have to hold that bond sacred. That doesn't mean he wasn't a shitty friend."

"He was a shitty friend," she said, resting her face against Caduceus's chest. It felt freeing to say it, even if it wasn't very nice.

"You'll forgive him," he said. "Pardon me if I'm wrong, but you're not the type to hold grudges."

She sighed. "I'm really not. It hurts me way more than the other person."

"That's a very good way to look at it," he said, holding her tighter. She put her arm around his thin waist, leaning into him and breathing in the new-flower smell of his fur.

There was something she had to do, but she felt like she'd earned this, to rest in the circle of someone else's arms and feel what she felt instead of pushing it down. Caduceus was a solid presence next to her; he would just soak up any emotions that came out of her, negative or positive. She needed that for now, even though it felt like an extravagance.

She ran her hand through the fur on his back and heard him sigh.

\--

Beau was asleep by the time Jester crept back into their room. Luckily, the moonlight shone brightly through the window over Jester's bed, and she sat under it, her sketchbook angled to catch the light.

She sat there for a long time, considering where to start. _I forgive you,_ she wrote finally; she didn't, but writing it made it real, cemented it. She couldn't go back on it now. What she drew for him was grotesque, but it was true, a bond between them that she didn't want to break.

She began to draw a tree, its canopy filling the page as she let it just flow from her. Small beetles crawled on it, and if you looked closely, their carapaces looked an awful lot like butts.

Jester heard a soft sigh, and her heart seized. "I missed you," a familiar voice said, though the room was empty but for Beau.

"Why didn't you come?" she asked, unable not to ask.

"One day you'll know," the Traveler said. Jester hated that answer, but it felt like a faith thing, like she should accept it for now. "But I never gave up on you."

She reached out for her magic, her connection to the Traveler, pointing one finger at the ceiling and letting a bolt of radiant energy fly. It dispersed harmlessly on the wood, but it made her feel better. "Thank you," she said, because she did feel that; he was there and gone at the same time, a paradox that tore her up, but right now she needed to focus on the good side.

"Know this," the Traveler said, and she felt a hand on her shoulder. "I will stay with you for as long as you want me, even if I can't always aid you. I will hold to this promise as long as you hold to yours."

"You better," she warned, before she could stop herself, and she heard his silvery laugh. The hand squeezed gently and was gone, and she knew he wasn't in the room anymore. She felt less alone, though, reassured, even as she knew she wasn't done processing it. She might not be done for a while, but that didn't mean she didn't want him with her.

She turned to the next page and began drawing again. She had a lot of catching up to do.


End file.
